someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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