i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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