I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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