Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Even my vagina gasped.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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