hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
