I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
