just tell him i said nine months
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
