Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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