I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
And then he peed in my hair
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
