Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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