You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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