I cannot find my penis.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
