we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
