Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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