yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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