Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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