So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
