Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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