look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
