I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You ruined the universe
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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