1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
