If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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