I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
