even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
