There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
