I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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