do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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