remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
