Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
