I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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