Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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