It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
