Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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