you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Congratulations! We have a period
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
