so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
