If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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