Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
