why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
