remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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