Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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