I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
