i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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