Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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