and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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