I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
