remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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