I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
