why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We need a shit load of segways right now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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