i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
