So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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