his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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