Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
