Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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