I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
