people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
