You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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