well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream