I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
