Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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