Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
